diatribe on holy matrimony

it's amazing to me how naturally evil comes to us...how quickly we can devise the most perfectly cynical and hurtful things to say or do that are crafted uniquely to our chosen target and will slay them at a breath. this is why it matters so much when someone is able to change the tide of their thoughts and choose to act in opposition to these inclinations.

today, as i was walking around my neighborhood...enjoying the pleasantly cool weather, it was very difficult not to think about all the things i could say or do that would destroy mikey. i thought about how sweet revenge would taste on my lips as i made him hurt for ways he hurt me. i got a tiny glimpse, though, of my own destruction in the process.

i don't think i listened very closely to my marriage vows. today, when walking around my neighborhood..."cooling off" from a marital argument, i was thinking to myself that there should be more specific promises (or warnings) in marriage vows. truth be told, i was only really remembering back to the "rich, poor, sick, healthy" part and i had to google marriage vows before i remembered all that stuff about honor, respect, love, comfort, in good times and bad etc. i also ran across that line that always makes me tear up a bit: "this is my solemn vow."

so i started thinking about vows (and wishing i'd worn a bra so i could take off my coat, as walking was making me sweat) and covenants and promises and how they're in a league of their own. they're like ancient sages looking down at "feelings" splashing around mindlessly in a kiddie pool.

i often feel like an adolescent playing at marriage. at the end of our fights, i feel so stupid...like i just can't get it right, like i'm still letting mindless things throw me into despair. and when mikey looks at me and listens to me stumble through my expression of hurt or anger or frustration, i feel at war between the side of me that identifies with the bruised emotion and the side of me that realizes it's a tiny pothole in our journey together.

anyway, the conclusion i reached by the time i turned onto braceyridge is that i'm going to have this fight again. probably tomorrow. definitely next saturday (mikey said he'd put a reoccurring event in our outlook calendar in case we forget). but marriage is a promise. i made a promise, a promise, a $*%&!@* promise.

marriage is a covenant, a commitment, a vow, a promise. a promise, a promise. i made a promise.