Africa scent

i want so badly to settle into that Africa smell tonight
like i did snuggled down into that old, slightly dirty leather truck seat,
sliding around in this dusty jean jacket
but i washed all my clothes and that smell is gone from all this fabric
even the jacket i bought there seems American
except for the small round giraffe-print emblem in the right-hand corner near the collar
and then i find myself identifying with Africa as the rest of the unaware populace--
a place of lions and zebras and elephants and lots and lots of...Africans
and not as the place with a face of friendship turned towards me
like the sun when it throws out its arms and soars upwards over sloping hills,
outlining and illuminating trees, tiny miniatures on the horizon,
to settle into its sky-seat for the day
i want to remember the feeling of welcome
the way laughter sounds
the way African winter feels on my skin when i'm huddled up and grumpy
but enjoying the crisp tingling secretly
i want to remember the touch of Africa, when it reaches out to grab you
abruptly
demanding you to emerge and be reborn under the sprayed reach
of the thorn trees

RETURN FROM AFRICA, episode 4

"Don't Forget..."

Laura,

As I see the fire being sucked out from within you, let me agree with Charles Spurgeon in saying "Instead of trying to revive yourself, offer prayers. Do not say, 'I will revive myself,' but cry, 'O Lord, revive thy work.' To say, 'I will revive myself,' reveals that you do not know your true state. If you knew your own true state, you would just as soon expect a wounded soldier on the battlefield to heal himself without medicine, or get himself to hospital when his arms or legs have been shot off as you would expect to revive yourself without the help of God."

It goes without saying that the change that occurred in you while abroad was from God--therefore, let Him be in control of that change even now. You didn't do it to yourself, so you aren't going to be able to maintain it. You had joy in serving the Lord in Africa because of the sense of SURRENDER you experienced. You came face-to-face with the giant AIDS and his cousin crisis, ORPHAN and standing before them, staring up into their daunting gaze, you were aware of your own utter insignificance. What freedom! Unable to live in the arrogant fabrication that you have an inherent power, that you have some control, you became a child again. Your work became enjoyable service for a kind master, rather than the furious busy-ness demanded by the tyrant SELF. Instead of going nowhere but deeper into the mire of your own inadequacies, you began to soar, to actually get somewhere, to make a real difference.

The dwindling of your passion, this gradual weighing down you are experiencing, is the result of self-made burdens. Let me help you lighten this heaviness by telling you the truth. Darkness flees before Light. Here is the Light: you are trying to live constantly in a state of joy and happiness by giving yourself daily "pep talks." You call these pep talks "devotions" but they aren't really about God at all. They are about you--about attaining a certain emotional state, not becoming closer to Him. Do you understand that you cannot make Him love you more through reading the Bible and praying? Do you understand that you cannot distance yourself from His love if you neglect these disciplines? You are trying to act like an adult, when all you achieve is "frightened orphan." Be a child again who realizes her place of belonging.

You feel the present like a punishment; you think that life is living in Africa. When you ask "revive thy work," you are really demanding "make me feel as I did then" and instead of waiting for an answer, but dive into your next plan to achieve that goal. Africa was a beautiful past, a vibrant, perfectly created stepping stone. Just as Africa was a God-plan formed just for you, this job, this NOW, is a God-plan...formed just for you.

Ask Him, truly ask Him, to revive His work in you. Ask Him with palms out and open and empty, the back-up plan in your pocket shredded before-hand. In fact, turn all your pockets out, too. No crossed fingers. No, come empty so that you can be filled. Don't lose hope, Dear One. REVIVE means that the work is already there. HIS means that it's not yours to worry about. IN YOU is an invitation to be a part of something grand.

The same God in Africa is the same God now...and yesterday and tomorrow and forever.

Love,
Me

P.s. This is NOT a pep talk!

coffee shop hospital

its not hard to hear the conversations around me--they are not hidden here. rather, everything is aired out in this environment: that's what it's for. people come here to take their burdens off, to undress just enough to expose some scars to a friend. you wouldnt think this would be an appropriate place--bagels and coffee and uniform square tables with four plastic-seated chairs pushed purposefully into the shape--but it's the only place it seems to happen. something about the aroma of coffee and the invitation to be here as long as you like makes it irresistable. its a cancer ward, "together" people filing in all smiles and fashion and $500 purses and shoes but we all fall apart the same after carefully choosing a seat in a comfortable corner. even the loners hunch against the wall with journals and laptops and gush emotion forth like a broken pipe. the world passes by outside the glass front oblivious to the trauma...and the healing within.