keller 101 (pt 1)

keller's newest series on the prodigal son (luke 15) has really impacted me lately. it was right on the heels of his series on esther. maybe it was the sermons, maybe the speaker...or maybe its just that im in a place to listen these days...maybe. i havent cried out to God in a long time--i mean, literary crying: the salty, wet kind. i just havent felt any kind of emotion--anything other than apathy--since...well, since i dont know when. so i thought i'd try to think through the progression of thought that led me to a small breakdown in my car on wednesday:

sermon 1 was from esther and what first struck me was this idea that God is in the small happenings of our lives: in the things that seem unimportant--perhaps even annoying non sequiturs in the chronology of our lives. in the bigger picture of esther (the book, not the person), the end result of the story was GOING to be annihilation of a people group, a tragedy only derailed by things like (not listed chronologically or in order of importance) 1. the king's drunkeness, 2. esther being an orphan, 3. vashti's banishment, 3. the king not being able to sleep at night etc. the list really goes on and on. keller pointed out that typically, when God showed up in the lives of the israelites to rescue them, it was in huge things (ie: the 10 plagues, the parting of the red sea, bread from heaven, destroying the walls of jericho with trumpets). the book of esther is a story that shows God's involvement on the "molecular" level, if you will--an encouragement that his presence is with us over mole hills as well as mountains.

i have both of those in my life--simultaneously, in fact. there are some things happening--re-evaluating our church membership, for one--that i would call "mountains." but mostly, my life is a series of events, some of which frustrate me in their seeming unimportance or pointlessness. when i am able to piece some of those things together (which i often try to do), and they fit into the larger puzzle of my life, i get excited. many times, i feel like i'm standing here with these fragments in my hands (remembering that i was never really very good at puzzles) wishing i knew where they went.

i wonder if esther sat around in the palace at night trying to figure out why these things were happening to her. she's a pretty silent main character. keller took a moment to point out esther's sin. she certainly wasnt a daniel, shadrach, meshach and abednego--refusing to eat outside their dietary laws in nebuchadnezzar's palace. they could have been killed for that! lucky that they weren't. i'm sure esther could have been killed, too, for refusing to go through all those beauty treatments or refusing to sleep with the king. she didn't, though. and...well, God used her to save most of her people from an evil plot to destroy them. at least from our perspective on the story, if she hadnt done what she did or been where she was, lots of innocent people would have died. im not really trying to make a point. i'm not sure what to say about all that except "romans 8:28," i guess, to slap a platitude on it.

definitely no 20/20 here

i basically have this thing called "big-picture blindness." i simply cant see or consider anything other than what's right in front of me. it's really a killer when trying to plan your life for the next five years, or dealing with a stressful situation, or guessing your christmas presents. it gets me in trouble, makes me a horrible advice-giver (the phrase "hindsight is 20/20" was truly created just for me). i am beginning to think that it is what is at the root of my impatience and stress.

recently there have been some shocking happenings in my life that would not have been such a surprise if i had any ability to anticipate and gauge the situation. mikey is great at stepping back and taking everything in and has incredible discernment--he chooses to share this with me sparsely either because he thinks it's funny or because he is afraid reality would blow my little mind.

ive really been wishing lately that i could trade in my vision for a broader perspective, though. maybe then i wouldnt be blindsided by things, or when going through a spiritual trial, i wouldnt completely forget about heaven. is this one of those "my cross to bear" kind of things that, in dealing with it, eventually makes me stronger? or is it something that i could learn if i stopped being so stubborn and listened to life?

i finished crime and punishment. oh, and my snake died.

i didnt want to, but i felt just like him. raskolnikov, that is (that was surprisingly easy to spell). obsessed with myself. desperately trying to justify myself...yet surrounded by people willing to sacrifice and love me through it. that's what i got out of it, anyway--that, and russians call each other by five names interchangeably to mess with your head.

last sunday morning was our second-ever "home church" which consists of eric and melody spencer, nate richardson and mikey and i. we have breakfast and sit around talking in someone's home. it starts out (although i make it sound so formulaic and established, we've only done this twice) casual as we talk about our homes, movies, work etc. and then somehow, an hour and a half later we have dived into some rough waters, treading water and holding on to one another for support. i have enjoyed these conversations. i love being able to share ideas and ask real questions and feel supported, validated and challenged all at one time (the teenager next door has been working on the lawn all day. this reminds me that having children can be used to great benefit....oh wait, yes, that's him trying to kill a bee with the weed-eater.)

this particular home-church, we shared many of our doubts, which i found fitting as it was Thomas Sunday (the second Sunday in the 50 days of the Easter season) and we were allowing ourselves to be Thomases. i guess it all came to the topics of the validity of the Bible, different religion and cultures' perspectives of God, and the mystery of God.

later, after the spencers left, nate and i talked about forgiveness. i need to think about this a little more, i think, but the ideas that we shared (particularly the ideas NATE shared) were pretty impactful to me. he spoke about being forgiving as a reaction to pain inflicted on us instead of desiring revenge or wishing harm to the perpetrator. he talked about how realizing God's deep love for him compelled him to wish good for others--sanity to those lashing out and wounding others out of their insanity.

especially this year, i have spent a lot of time pouting and being angry and frustrated with my interactions with people. i have often wondered if God could even love some of the people i have to deal with--although that sounds juvenile (and it is) and self-righteous (also correct), it is true. when nate said that, i thought about those people and realized that the only thing i wish for them is retribution, justice...karma. my kids are memorizing romans 12 so i've been reciting with them in the morning "do not take revenge, my friends...'it is mine to avenge; i will repay,' says the Lord" and, of course, not thinking about what i'm saying.

in our conversation about forgiveness, we talked about how even when people get "revenge" (for example, attending the execution of someone who killed a loved one), it is not healing. that's why mandela led his country towards forgiveness rather than retribution: he realized that the only way to break the cycle was to transcend it.

and that's what forgiveness is...a transcendence.

well, this is a hodge podge of things but i had to write something. takes one entry to break the silence, usually, and then more follow in its wake.

24-7 Easter prayer

this week has been 24/7 Easter in greensboro. this whole holy week has been accented by events in this sacred space. passover...maundy-thursday...good friday...and now preparations for easter morning.

it has probably been my favorite one that i've been a part of (excluding the first one because i only attended that one, and because that one will always be my favorite since it marks the beginning of this new prayer life in me). it is because i felt real ownership in it this year--like i was not only hands, but a voice and a brain behind it. it is exhausting though. every day of going to work and then rushing over to be there for an event, or to watch the door, or to relieve becky, or to simply be there because it's where i want to be. it has been my joy to play an active role in this event...but this morning i am tired. i am tired of being pulled in so many directions (i blame my job, mostly!) and my life not feeling like my own. dishes have grown into a monstrous, pungent tower; the yard looks like a jungle; piles of washed and unwashed clothes lay strewn about; the floor is clearly in need of being vacuumed; and our fridge is so empty it echos when it's opened. my life feels scattered like so many seeds on a field and i only hope something fruitful emerges from this chaos.

i was thinking last night about how the first year i ever went to a 24/7 prayer room (by becky inc.), i spent a lot of time at each station, doing every little thing. every year that i am involved in organizing or "putting on" a prayer event, i do less and less of the stations. i love almost all of the stations we set up this year, but some of them, i have not even done myself. i was wondering to myself, and to God, i suppose, if i should feel guilty about that. then i had this thought that setting up the room, maintaining the stations and "chaperoning" the door were my worship. i do this at home, too. i set up all these personal stations and get excited about all these new prayer ideas at home but i only do them sporadically, or for a little while before moving on to something else. my good friend Heather was the one who encouraged me not to feel discouraged and to recognize the worship and prayer that i was doing even though i wasn't being disciplined and following through as much as i wished i could (or would...).

this year, i desperately wanted to feel emotionally alive and connected to the room and my experiences in the room. i wanted to cry, i wanted to be overwhelmed with emotional realizations. i wanted to feel deeply the messages of holy week. i stopped to meditate, i came to help lead worship for 4 hours straight, i fulfilled my personal time slot praying from 9-midnight one night. maybe God didn't bless me in that way because i was doing it for myself...or maybe because i was too busy to truly stop and be meditative...or maybe it became about DOING, about RELIGION and not about Jesus...or maybe im supposed to be okay with our relationship not being emotionally charged all the time (although it's JESUS! so i feel like it should be...)...or maybe it was all these things or none of these things. i am not naive enough, i dont think, to suppose that i was just one of these things or had just one of these feelings the whole week. i am a roulette of motivations and emotions and desires--never the same combination, even in the same moment. all i know is that i feel empty this morning, and emotionally shut down and...well, and a little disappointed.

perhaps it is tiredness, a disorganized home, and a week of eating junk food on the go with no exercise that makes me feel restless and irritable and frustrated this morning. i want to do what i want to do with my day but the "must dos" have piled atop this declaration of freedom and buried it. i am staring at a blank piece of folded paper that will become my grocery list, and mikey is paying bills and i am hoping i can stop to buy some flip-flops so my poor feet can breathe in this stifling weather (it's not fair--it's not summer yet!) before i go on to the church for the rest of the afternoon.

i feel trapped in my skin this morning
completely weighed down by this body and sick of thinking about how to shape it
and how to clothe it
and how to care for it
and how to carry it around
and thinking about what other people are thinking about when they look at it
i am sick of thinking about me
but then my brain is full of trying hard not to think of myself
and i think of myself all the more.
who will save me from the body of death?
thank you Jesus.