stumbling

tick tock watching
minutes drop
pages from a calendar ripped
off
stones causing ripples that will never be
doors that will never be
unlocked
again
mixing metaphors to say the hurt that
simmers behind
lips
a dish bitterly
a drink bitterly
sipped
even though its wrong
it cant be ripped from
uncertain fingertips

RETURN FROM AFRICA, episode 3

"Don't Forget..."

Laura,

the number one greatest phenomena that occurred in Africa: you forgot about yourself.

I sense that the memory of this is quickly passing from your mind of late. Who knew it would be so easy to let go of upon return to the States? Well, you're learning now. Let's bring it home to roost (as they say) once more. You were so afraid that you would be the same old self-aware YOU when you went to SA, weren't you? Your goal was to re-orient on the whole "IMAGE" issue...hopefully by the end of the summer, however pessimistic you were that it would happen. Understandable--being skeptical that something that had such a hold on you would be altered by even a life-changing experience like this trip.

And what did you discover? It wasn't a dream--say it out loud: YOU CHANGED. Within the first week, your attention to self dissipated and, vision unveiled, you SAW OTHERS. Time spent face-to-face with flesh and blood and the open, beating life of people replaced time spent before your reflection in disapproval. You not only spent less time in conscious thought about your body, you almost stopped thinking about it all together.

I think it's appropriate to assume that the lack of commercials and magazines--advertisements for idolatry of self more than the product being sold--were a part of this effect. You know that's not all, though. The fact is that when you held the concepts of weight and wardrobe into the light of the TRUTH about life's design, they shriveled so fast that they fell out of your hand, not waiting anymore for you to willingly let go.

It was not hard to see to Life's core in a place where people weren't certain where their next meal was coming from, only owned one pair of shoes, were involuntarily uneducated and probably unemployed; women barely in their 20's raising two kids alone; 15 year-olds becoming the head of their household in the blink of an eye; minimum wage barely cresting $250 a month and causing fathers to spend whole weeks away from the family they are trying to support. What perspective this affords! LAURA: In no way can life be about the clothes you wear, the furniture you own, the car you drive, the size house you have, the size pants you wear--for crying out loud, it can't be about that because most people in most countries in the world can't even afford to THINK about those things, much less let them direct and control their life path.

You know what is left, when all those lies are exposed: human life. The very image of God on earth, and you have a lifetime here to nurture it, share it, encourage it and in turn be shaped and encouraged by it. Each obsessive thought about image and reputation is a waste of the precious gift of time. Oh, you were so drawn into that vibrant way of living--existence orbiting around relationship (ah, I see your face is changing...you understand...it was so contagious and so desirable, it wasn't hard to leave the old habits behind). Well, good news: there's human life here in Greensboro, too....and anywhere else you could ever go, for that matter. You don't have to leave that perspective behind. After all, Truth is Truth no matter where you go or what choices you make.

I know it is hard not to return to seeing life through this convenient lens, but raise your eyes, Laura, look above! Let the Light of Heaven illuminate what comes before you and when that happens, and Truth stands out bold and smiling while Falsity shrinks back into shadow, choose to stand fast next to it, choose to live life each day standing FAST next to it.

"I NEED THEE EVERY HOUR, most Gracious Lord.
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.
I NEED THEE EVERY HOUR, in joy or pain.
Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.
I NEED THEE, O, I NEED THEE;
EVERY HOUR, I NEED THEE.
O, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to thee!"


Illumined,
Me

RETURN FROM AFRICA, episode 2

"DON'T FORGET..."

Laura,

who knows why you never caught on before Africa, but do you remember while you were there and your head began to clear and you were able to see clearly (like when you wipe the steam off the bathroom mirror after a hot bath) your gifts, your strengths? remember how good it felt to see that in humility and honesty--without boastfulness or shyness because you were just staring at the TRUTH? they were plain as day before you and all it took was a little QUIET in your mind to be able to see them, standing there as real as always but now in true form in the absence of your inflating pride or deflating self-degradation.

you realized you are kind and you enjoy lavishing others with that kindness. you felt the wideness of a smile in your chest when you saw the expressions on their faces, but you learned also to relish the secret expression of enjoyment when you gave anonymously. this quality goes nicely with your generosity, which (though at times curtailed by an innate selfishness inherited from dear great great great great--etc.--grandpa Adam) you love to give free reign when resources allow.

you prioritize people and have a chord of unity running through you that tugs and tugs on your (rather introverted) heart until you find yourself bound up in community wherever you go. you love to see people engaging, talking, sharing life. your congenital creativity helps marvelously to compose space that facilitates fellowship. your ears are tuned to listen and although you feel content to watch a room full of people knowing and loving one another, you are truly fulfilled when you are given the opportunity to intentionally know an individual. your "perfect date" is a good cup of coffee and a good conversation and you thrive on deliberate friendship. you understand now, don't you, why you feel dried out (a bit like a raisin) when you are unable to get past small talk and social games? honesty and invitation into a life is water to your soul--yes, it's only natural, seeing as how you were designed that way.

now don't misunderstand or misread; let me be absolutely clear: these qualities do not come naturally to all human beings. you have been gifted these characteristics and "humble" denial doesn't help a thing. just recognize them and embrace their place in your existence. your "modesty" has really been a lack of boldness that has kept these gifts from being used. Africa was a stepping stone, but it's now a wonderful past: move forward with what it helped to reveal to you. it's never too late, dust them off and start exercising those atrophied muscles. He has always been proud of the intentional way He pieced you together--bask it that and let it recharge you.

looking FORWARD with expectation,
Me

RETURN FROM AFRICA, episode 1

"DON'T FORGET..."

Laura,

don't forget how much slower everything moved in Africa. when you were there, it may have started out as a frustrating African habit, but by the end of the summer, you realized that those times you had to wait ended up being time to spend growing in relationship with someone, or enjoying the scenery or a rich cup of coffee that you wouldn't have otherwise enjoyed. in the end, you were so glad for those times, and were able to see the value in taking your time.

don't forget the DELIBERATENESS you grew into through those forced times of patience. you have learned to take your time when you eat, to be present in the moment of a conversation, to notice the things around you, to enjoy moments as they are. Africa has taught you to be cognitive in the hours, minutes, seconds that you are physically in, rather than looking ahead to the next moment, and the next and the next, until you find yourself always living a sort of half-life, in between now and then and never really being anywhere that you might enjoy it.

so when you are late for work and the car in front of you is going the speed limit when you want to go five over, remember patience, remember deliberateness.
when you have a few minutes before you have to leave for something, don't waste them fidgeting and tapping your foot, be in that moment with enjoyment and find something to help you savor it.
when you are in conversation with someone, and there's so much going on around you and so many people to see and talk to, be present, aware, and listen as if they were the only person, and that is the only moment in time--they are worth it.
and when you find that life is a whirlwind and you cant quite keep up the pace, be conscious of your need for quiet, for unhurried-ness, and take a walk, or sit somewhere beautiful and let things slow to Africa speed again.

but even when you can't, know that things in America are inherently at break-neck speed, and the intentionality of time has to be a filter in your brain that you choose every day. no excuses, just stay aware and ask for help from the Maker of Time.

Sincerely,
Me