talking to heaven

he is sitting here, in the room, even though it feels like he is miles and miles away....a tiny dot on the horizon that i have to strain my eyes to see. but no, he's here. i don't feel him, but he told me, he's here.

he wants me to say something, to open my mouth and talk to him. he didn't use audible words to tell me this, but i know it's what he wants. there are words here, in my heart, in my head, making their way into my mouth and moving over my tongue like liquid. they become bitter the longer they stay on my palate and i tend to swallow them to get rid of the taste. he waits for them, even to be spit out like a child who thought they were eating a packet of sugar but got salt instead. i know it doesn't have to be glamorous, adult-like, sophisticated.

he waits. patiently. i feel no nudging from him to begin although somehow i know its what he wants and what he waits for. id rather him reach out and touch me, push me forward, bring me closer, but we stay put in our places and dont move an inch towards one another. in fact, i move further away, make myself busy. i check my e-mail, and enter amounts on receipts into my budget; i glance over my schedule and contact some people. i try to fill my head with names and dates and numbers so they push out the real thoughts. everything crowds together and what was there before, working its way forward, is pushed to the back of the line again.

i know what he's thinking, logically as usual: it would make sense to just let them go, those words, those thoughts. it would be a relief, in the end, to have finally said them instead of tasting them over and over and over again. fear is what makes them bitter and pushes them back instead of out. what if he rejects them? what if i look like a fool? worst of all, what if i let them go but he doesn't hear them? then they are out there, and bouncing around the floor and walls in empty space--meaningless. is it worst to have said them and get no response or to not say them at all? obviously, my actions answer the question.