when i finally give up at the end of the day

in the wee hours of the...night
i discovered some things about myself. After a day of shutting down
(like a street lamp when you're driving down the highway in those moments between dawn and day and thousands of volts just stop shining--vwhomp)
a whole day of turning my back to you every time you walked around me to front and center again (a frustrating game)
an entire 24 hours of pretending there was nothing to think about
holding thoughts feelings emotions at bay (hound dogs frothing at the mouth--they smell the kill)
at the end of it all, lying in bed, my mind fell open like a dying flower and
i learned some things about me.

i hate pretending that i dont want to talk to you.
i hate that silence that grows between us, a wall of water daunting but so easy to pass through with a bit of courage.
when i ignore you, i am ignoring myself, too.
but when i think of you, i am frustrated.

you spread your love out sky-wide like a banquet ready
and tell me, "eat! it's all yours!"
but i cant fly and i dont have a plane and as far as i know, humans cant self-levitate so
how the hell am i supposed to get to it?

when i think of reaching out to grab what you are offering,
it feels like work--hours and hours of building and sweating and climbing and effort
and it shrinks each time i stop trying
i always find myself on level ground--so terribly flat, so dreadfully hard and unforgiving

every day is a potluck (but not with covered-casserole dishes)
one day im determined, crawling and clawing my way to the sky
the next i bury my face in the earth and cry
"you are Love!" i scream
and i whisper inside, "would Love do this?"

the covers are too warm, but outside im too cold
but as i try to fall asleep, the discomfort is mostly from my inner dialogue
i always say that the problem is with me
but every day i find it hard to believe
Your song over me, that you fill my need
that You are pursuing and we no longer bleed
to be with You.