fireworks and relationships...relational fireworks!

perhaps these days are a taste of what its like to be a stay-at-home-mom. well, at least the stay-at-home part. i got up with mikey but had to say goodbye and have since been on facebook looking at pictures and sending people messages. the dryer just stopped its soft purring and thumping and for some reason i cant stand the thought of going to match all of those socks and fold all of those towels and put all of those shirts on hangers. i want a smoothie but i shutter to think about having to unload the dishwasher and then re-load it with the mess in the sink JUST to have the faucet available. and yet, that's all i really have to do today, so why isnt it "no big deal"?

its difficult for me to think of my future now, mother or not. the only things that seem certain are the things that will cause major disruption and uncertainty in my life. i tend to let my imagination run wild, the possibilities start to choke out my breath, and my heart speeds up.

so ill think about something else.

on the fourth, we had something like 30 people unexpectedly camping out in our apartment-anywhere there was an empty space available to sit. we hadnt planned on getting rained out. it made me wish i had a huge living room with lots of comfortable couches and chairs so that everyone could sit together--but they seemed happy enough on the porch, in the living area, on the floor in the dining room and kitchen. our friends can be versatile!
we didnt get to see fireworks though, and that was sad. the fourth of the july is just any other holiday without fireworks dazzling us so high above.
going to see fireworks has always been one of my favorite things to do. its one of those family activities that just isnt the same with anyone else. we have our own family traditions that make things uniquely fun. the place was always carefully chosen so that we got the best fireworks, and we always went early so that we had the best seat! sometimes we were on the lawn in chairs, sometimes in the back of a truck or sitting on the roof of our van. sometimes-my favorites-we were laying on our backs on blankets and looking almost straight up into a shower of sparks over our heads. i love for them to be so close that you feel they will pour over you on their way down-like colorful rain. to pass the time and entertain each other, we would name the different fireworks. our favorite was always my sister evie's creative "rainbow blood." nothing could really ever top that one. i remember the year we were obsessed with videotaping everything (someone must have given us a camera--and it was one of those really old ones, a huge black machine that you almost had to hold with two hands; the kind with a big pocket on the side that pops out so that you can put the vhs right into it) and we took it to the park in P.A. to catch the fireworks on tape. re-watching it (probably later that night), you could see them just barely in the background, while me and my church friends did the YMCA as it blasted from a radio nearby.
i havent seen them with my family in a while. lately, since ive been married, mikey has taken me to the top of a parking deck downtown and we watch the fireworks from the baseball game that we didnt pay to go see. he leans against the concrete wall of the deck and i lean against his warmth. from that spot, you can see fireworks all over the city, some close and some so far away that you can only see a glimmer of red and blue light on the horizon--mini bombs exploding over crowds of tiny people who thought it was a private showing. nothing is private from our lookout, we see all of the entertainment, the entire city's patriotic celebration.
they feel so far away, but i think that's because im bigger now, and all things that seemed colossal to me as a kid have gotten smaller.

not knowing what to do for the day paralyzes me. i think im not choosing, but i am doing so merely by not making a choice--this is my choice. here at these keys, when there are dishes and laundry and books to read. i brought a bag FULL of files home from school, and here i am into july and have only touched it to move it out of my sight. i cant fathom looking at the stuff. those handouts and lesson plans would throw me off these heights of summertime and im not prepared for that fall. instead, ill probably go down to the pool and read so that i dont have to shower or think about being alone in this apartment.

i am seeing christie ray today. i saw her recently but this'll be the first time i actually hang out with her in...at least a year. and you cant count the year before that because, even though we were at the same party, being next to each other was so awkward we opted to sit at different tables and hang with different people.
i am envisioning all sorts of scenarios-as i am apt to do. it takes me back to my college freshmen days, but instead of being afraid to go to the cafeteria, its her house im frightened to enter. instead of being terrified by starting a conversation with a stranger, i am terrified to enter into this relationship again with someone worst than a stranger--an old friend, an old best friend, an old roommate...with history and background who voluntarily fell off the face of the planet. but who am i kidding? enter into relationship? there is no guarantee those doors will be opened for me or, if they are, that i will walk through them again. who knows what will transpire? the part that scares me the most is that there is one conversation we will have to have that i will have to start.