definitely no 20/20 here

i basically have this thing called "big-picture blindness." i simply cant see or consider anything other than what's right in front of me. it's really a killer when trying to plan your life for the next five years, or dealing with a stressful situation, or guessing your christmas presents. it gets me in trouble, makes me a horrible advice-giver (the phrase "hindsight is 20/20" was truly created just for me). i am beginning to think that it is what is at the root of my impatience and stress.

recently there have been some shocking happenings in my life that would not have been such a surprise if i had any ability to anticipate and gauge the situation. mikey is great at stepping back and taking everything in and has incredible discernment--he chooses to share this with me sparsely either because he thinks it's funny or because he is afraid reality would blow my little mind.

ive really been wishing lately that i could trade in my vision for a broader perspective, though. maybe then i wouldnt be blindsided by things, or when going through a spiritual trial, i wouldnt completely forget about heaven. is this one of those "my cross to bear" kind of things that, in dealing with it, eventually makes me stronger? or is it something that i could learn if i stopped being so stubborn and listened to life?

i finished crime and punishment. oh, and my snake died.

i didnt want to, but i felt just like him. raskolnikov, that is (that was surprisingly easy to spell). obsessed with myself. desperately trying to justify myself...yet surrounded by people willing to sacrifice and love me through it. that's what i got out of it, anyway--that, and russians call each other by five names interchangeably to mess with your head.

last sunday morning was our second-ever "home church" which consists of eric and melody spencer, nate richardson and mikey and i. we have breakfast and sit around talking in someone's home. it starts out (although i make it sound so formulaic and established, we've only done this twice) casual as we talk about our homes, movies, work etc. and then somehow, an hour and a half later we have dived into some rough waters, treading water and holding on to one another for support. i have enjoyed these conversations. i love being able to share ideas and ask real questions and feel supported, validated and challenged all at one time (the teenager next door has been working on the lawn all day. this reminds me that having children can be used to great benefit....oh wait, yes, that's him trying to kill a bee with the weed-eater.)

this particular home-church, we shared many of our doubts, which i found fitting as it was Thomas Sunday (the second Sunday in the 50 days of the Easter season) and we were allowing ourselves to be Thomases. i guess it all came to the topics of the validity of the Bible, different religion and cultures' perspectives of God, and the mystery of God.

later, after the spencers left, nate and i talked about forgiveness. i need to think about this a little more, i think, but the ideas that we shared (particularly the ideas NATE shared) were pretty impactful to me. he spoke about being forgiving as a reaction to pain inflicted on us instead of desiring revenge or wishing harm to the perpetrator. he talked about how realizing God's deep love for him compelled him to wish good for others--sanity to those lashing out and wounding others out of their insanity.

especially this year, i have spent a lot of time pouting and being angry and frustrated with my interactions with people. i have often wondered if God could even love some of the people i have to deal with--although that sounds juvenile (and it is) and self-righteous (also correct), it is true. when nate said that, i thought about those people and realized that the only thing i wish for them is retribution, justice...karma. my kids are memorizing romans 12 so i've been reciting with them in the morning "do not take revenge, my friends...'it is mine to avenge; i will repay,' says the Lord" and, of course, not thinking about what i'm saying.

in our conversation about forgiveness, we talked about how even when people get "revenge" (for example, attending the execution of someone who killed a loved one), it is not healing. that's why mandela led his country towards forgiveness rather than retribution: he realized that the only way to break the cycle was to transcend it.

and that's what forgiveness is...a transcendence.

well, this is a hodge podge of things but i had to write something. takes one entry to break the silence, usually, and then more follow in its wake.