new years eve 2009

what's the worst part about having company?

having to say goodbye. there have been at least three people this week who came to stay at my house to whom i have felt tempted to ask "stay forever?" as if i were proposing to them.

sure, i like my quiet moments with coffee and a book, or some time alone with my husband, and i don't get those very often when my house is swarming with people.

sure, i can stress myself out keeping the house clean behind my guests, and trying to make sure everyone is entertained, feeling special and getting my undivided attention...

but mostly, like 85% mostly, i like to have people around eating my food, using my dishes, dirtying my floor, sleeping on my sheets and lounging in front of my TV. after all, there tends to be more laughter and conversation, conflict--yes--but growth and camaraderie, when you are not living as an island.

my house was swarming with people on new year's eve. 42 to be exact, counting mikey and i. mostly faces that im familiar with, but some new ones too; no matter--i took great joy in inviting each of them to wander through the rooms of my house, peeking into corners and closets, sitting on whatever surface was most comfortable just as long as they promised to settle in, make themselves at home and enjoy some conversation with their cider. people didn't seem to have a problem doing just that, and it made me feel full of purpose; i could feel myself filling up, like a hot air balloon and lifting, lifting up off the ground.

that's why it's so hard to say goodbye. i can feel myself being lowered again, into some of the valleys i was settled in before this welcomed reprieve. i wonder to myself if it's just one of those good things that must come to an end or if maybe, maybe, perhaps i could do this with my life and nothing else. perhaps i could even endure the goodbye part if my life was filled with welcome after welcome after welcome and one good conversation after another.