i dream in...

i spent the morning commute dreaming.

last night was not good for me.

or it was very good for me--i haven't decided.

last night several dear friends implored me to enjoy life, not to wait to pursue my dreams, to take that leap into the unknown and be okay with both failure and hardship as long as i'm in pursuit of that for which my heart burns with passion.

listening to them made me shiver with fear, anxiety and excitement. i couldnt help but hold before my eyes painful scenes of letting go, of leaving, of saying goodbye and moving on. i couldnt help but feel fear twisting in my gut.

when i dream, i dont dream in office supplies and long doubled white boards newly cleaned. i dont dream in text books and literary terms and tests warm from the printer. i dont dream in colorful vis-a-vis on overheads, a podium white and firm at the front of the room, a solitary stool behind it, in button-down shirts and sweater vests, in red pens making red markings across black ink and A's, B's and "see you tomorrow, Mrs. Fissel's."

i dream in browns--creamy ones and bold ones, dark roasts with fresh cream. i dream in cozy spaces with markers and post-its and lit tea lights with flickering, circular glow. i dream in pastels and paints in poetry with metaphors and push pins on maps at 3am. i dream the smell of fresh cinnamon buns and a bell tinkling above the front door and ceramic mugs, cool to the touch. i dream in clicking keys and letters forming and reforming, in punctuation and sentence structure. i dream from the tiny firmness of laptop keys to soft yarn with wayward fly-aways, taming them with each stitch, and magazine cut-outs arranged to form a new thing and cards heralding the ordinary with color and image and words, always words.

i'm not in despair--not yet. i'm not a wilting flower, each day more dry and liable to crumble at a touch--not yet. but one day, i would like to dream awake. to feel alive with my eyes wide open. and i can't decide if i have to jump out of the boat to feel that way, or just try another deck.