gifts

this is going to be one of those blogs about divine appointments and questioning coincidence, just to warn you.

and dont judge me: we all look for God somewhere, at some point in our lives, so you've done the same.



the back story is this:

i left my phone at school, something i have never done in four years of working here, so i was without a convenient medium of communication last night and this morning.



i noticed this morning that i needed gas, so i stopped at the station, pulling in a little too closely to the post so that i had to squeeze out of my door. i had to maneuver my arm into the car to pop the gas tank open because i forgot to do it when i was in the car, and i had a momentary thought that it would be super bad if i locked myself out this morning since i had no phone to call mikey with. while my gas was pumping, i checked, and sure enough, i had accidentally pushed my lock down when i had reached into the car.



mikey and i went to small group last night and mikey drove; he unlocked the door for me on the passenger side, which unlocks all the doors of the car. because it is a part of my obsessive routine, i always lock the car doors when i get out of my car to go in the house at the end of the day. i dont know how or why, but mikey left them unlocked last night. thus, when i checked the passenger door, it was unlocked: voila! crisis averted.



current musing:

how involved was God in this little scenario, i wondered as i finished at the gas station and pulled back onto the road to continue my morning commute. it felt like a gift (like the time i had double booked myself and i was sick with the disappointment i was causing a friend, only to find that we had an unexpected rain that cancelled one of my plans).



a gift in the seemingly insignificant details of my morning that prevented no life-threatening inconveniences.



i know this is an especially poignant thought for me this week as i deal with yet another newly-discovered disappointment: finding myself decidedly un-pregnant. why this gift, God, and not the one i am begging of you? would i sacrifice being uncomfortable using the gas station phone, catching mikey on his way to work, being late for work, for a tiny human being to love growing in my womb (were you to offer me an exchange)? yes.



this is the type of question that many are asking as they hold you at arm's length. why this gift and not the one i am begging of you?



this morning's gift is not the only one you've given me of late. there are things happening in my life that i did not expect, that i did not truly ask for. i am on the cusp of experiencing a new freedom of exploration and creativity in my life. but i didnt beg you for this. i didnt ask for this gift. what is your rhythm of giving and withholding? it's a pattern i cannot understand or explain.



is this Time another un-asked-for gift that i will one day understand? most of the time, it feels like punishment, and pain. what are you trying to give me? what are you trying to help me understand? i hope, hope, hope that you know what you are doing.