choosing

almost every time i am faced by an important choice,

i am transported to a remembered moment at the foot of my parent's bed. i was watching my mother gather laundry at the start of a saturday morning. if i could have conveyed to my mother the turmoil within, i just know she would have been horrified.

but there was an unconcerned look on her face when i presented my delimma.


should i go to the office with my father, who often had to work saturdays.

or should i stay at home with mom?

it was a terrible decision to make. no matter what i decided, there was a tinge of regret at the end of the day. did the other parent wish i had been around all day? what memories were made on the other side that i will have forever missed?




i feel a panic so deep that its impossible to root out and discard. i often have to remind myself of another mother-memory: her voice over the phone in my dorm room, telling me "Laura, don't live your life full of regret." She wasn't trying to help me make a decision, or even admonishing me for something i had done; she was trying to help me learn how to forgive myself for simply...making a choice.

im haggling with myself again. it's a constant back and forth that often leads me to a steaming bath, trying to find a brief respite. and im wondering: why is this so hard for me?



i'm worried that it's not in the "plan for my life."

i'm afraid ill be filled with regret and wish the decision undone.

i'm nervous about trying to explain my reasons to people...and mostly terrified they wont understand. they could be mad at me. or worst, they could say something that would make me question the decision in the first place.

none of these seem to be a root problem, though. so what ... is ... it ... exactly?