being an adult is blurry and smells like propane

i felt very grown up yesterday while i was getting gas in my car. it was such an automatic move--pulling up, getting out, swiping my card and starting to pump. i remember when it didnt use to be so automatic. every move was very calculated and i felt like everyone was watching me. now it's just a fact of life. one more thing between me and home at the end of the day.

maybe this time was different because i was wearing contacts. pumping gas in contacts for the first time--exciting stuff, eh? but really--maybe all this "grown-up" stuff started there. i made that decision, to try contacts. i got an appointment; i talked to my doctor; i set up the process; i paid the bill. last time i thought about contacts was when my mom asked if i was interested because she was making my next eye appointment. that must have been when i was in college.

it felt strange--and kind of frightening--to make a big decision like that (it feels like a big decision to me, anyway...it involves money and a real life change for someone who has worn glasses since she was a pre-teen). it also got me thinking about why it was such an unusual feeling. does that mean that i dont make very many big decisions for myself? in truth, when the idea popped up, i wanted mikey to tell me whether or not i should do it. i rely on others' opinions about my decisions a lot. perhaps that's the clincher: this is a decision that i am making for specific reasons and i am doing it without input from anyone. is that what being an adult really is? not all the time, i hope. i like to think that life and living it are primarily about community--not the individual.

i'm busy being a grown up these days: molding the minds of children who ive been with all year and will lose in few days to the eleventh grade (it's a real loss, let me tell you; being a junior warps you into an entirely new entity). writing tests and being a staff adviser and signing a contract to work next school year. over the past several weeks, i have felt my heart filling up with things to write, but every time i sit in front of the screen or pick up a pen and open my journal, my voice is silent, my tongue listless (i just looked up "listless" on dictionary.com and it means "spiritless"...what a perfect synonym. why didnt i think of that one?). there doesnt seem to be an existing vocabulary for the things i want to say.

i looked for a cello today at a music store in winston. i have been wanting to play for a while and with our tax return, we suddenly have the means to make that happen. i am excited by the prospect of giving a real voice to the music inside me--a voice not dependent on any kind of accompaniment but only harmony between my bow and fingers. i am stuck now between visions of learning with ease and pictures of a frustrated me throwing down my bow in disgust. i guess we'll figure out which it is soon enough.

well, my eyes are dry and tired and for some reason, my head is banging.
perhaps it's all the first person shooter going on next to me.