fragmented thoughts about history and about loss

a new self-discovery: history is important to me.
personal history. relational history.

it is the one thing that i am running short on these days, and i think i might be starting to panic.

it seems that all the history ive spent years of my life cultivating has gone through a season of pruning. for years, i spent time, love, and energy, and risked vulnerability in organizations and relationships that i viewed as long-term investments. for years, they thrived and helped me grow--fed me and made me feel secure. now when i look at my immediate surroundings, i feel that i am facing new fields to be sown and watered and weeded and tended. new relationships. new endeavors.

i am not the kind of person who faces change and breathes it in like a fresh breeze, inviting it in, excited about its possibilities.

rather, i bury my head in a pillow and scream, hoping it will pass quickly and painlessly.
(it never does).

i am tired. i am tired of investing so much just to watch it slip away from me. and tired of starting over again and again and again. i want history. a solid foundation, a basis for understanding and empathy. but im tired of putting in the work to build it. and im afraid (have i mentioned that yet?). afraid of investing and then saying goodbye...again.

i am reading lewis' "a grief observed" and while i have not experienced a loss like lewis, i am finding his thoughts insightful and helpful. this advent, my season of longing has been accented by grief for some things lost this past year.