Africa scent

i want so badly to settle into that Africa smell tonight
like i did snuggled down into that old, slightly dirty leather truck seat,
sliding around in this dusty jean jacket
but i washed all my clothes and that smell is gone from all this fabric
even the jacket i bought there seems American
except for the small round giraffe-print emblem in the right-hand corner near the collar
and then i find myself identifying with Africa as the rest of the unaware populace--
a place of lions and zebras and elephants and lots and lots of...Africans
and not as the place with a face of friendship turned towards me
like the sun when it throws out its arms and soars upwards over sloping hills,
outlining and illuminating trees, tiny miniatures on the horizon,
to settle into its sky-seat for the day
i want to remember the feeling of welcome
the way laughter sounds
the way African winter feels on my skin when i'm huddled up and grumpy
but enjoying the crisp tingling secretly
i want to remember the touch of Africa, when it reaches out to grab you
abruptly
demanding you to emerge and be reborn under the sprayed reach
of the thorn trees

RETURN FROM AFRICA, episode 4

"Don't Forget..."

Laura,

As I see the fire being sucked out from within you, let me agree with Charles Spurgeon in saying "Instead of trying to revive yourself, offer prayers. Do not say, 'I will revive myself,' but cry, 'O Lord, revive thy work.' To say, 'I will revive myself,' reveals that you do not know your true state. If you knew your own true state, you would just as soon expect a wounded soldier on the battlefield to heal himself without medicine, or get himself to hospital when his arms or legs have been shot off as you would expect to revive yourself without the help of God."

It goes without saying that the change that occurred in you while abroad was from God--therefore, let Him be in control of that change even now. You didn't do it to yourself, so you aren't going to be able to maintain it. You had joy in serving the Lord in Africa because of the sense of SURRENDER you experienced. You came face-to-face with the giant AIDS and his cousin crisis, ORPHAN and standing before them, staring up into their daunting gaze, you were aware of your own utter insignificance. What freedom! Unable to live in the arrogant fabrication that you have an inherent power, that you have some control, you became a child again. Your work became enjoyable service for a kind master, rather than the furious busy-ness demanded by the tyrant SELF. Instead of going nowhere but deeper into the mire of your own inadequacies, you began to soar, to actually get somewhere, to make a real difference.

The dwindling of your passion, this gradual weighing down you are experiencing, is the result of self-made burdens. Let me help you lighten this heaviness by telling you the truth. Darkness flees before Light. Here is the Light: you are trying to live constantly in a state of joy and happiness by giving yourself daily "pep talks." You call these pep talks "devotions" but they aren't really about God at all. They are about you--about attaining a certain emotional state, not becoming closer to Him. Do you understand that you cannot make Him love you more through reading the Bible and praying? Do you understand that you cannot distance yourself from His love if you neglect these disciplines? You are trying to act like an adult, when all you achieve is "frightened orphan." Be a child again who realizes her place of belonging.

You feel the present like a punishment; you think that life is living in Africa. When you ask "revive thy work," you are really demanding "make me feel as I did then" and instead of waiting for an answer, but dive into your next plan to achieve that goal. Africa was a beautiful past, a vibrant, perfectly created stepping stone. Just as Africa was a God-plan formed just for you, this job, this NOW, is a God-plan...formed just for you.

Ask Him, truly ask Him, to revive His work in you. Ask Him with palms out and open and empty, the back-up plan in your pocket shredded before-hand. In fact, turn all your pockets out, too. No crossed fingers. No, come empty so that you can be filled. Don't lose hope, Dear One. REVIVE means that the work is already there. HIS means that it's not yours to worry about. IN YOU is an invitation to be a part of something grand.

The same God in Africa is the same God now...and yesterday and tomorrow and forever.

Love,
Me

P.s. This is NOT a pep talk!

coffee shop hospital

its not hard to hear the conversations around me--they are not hidden here. rather, everything is aired out in this environment: that's what it's for. people come here to take their burdens off, to undress just enough to expose some scars to a friend. you wouldnt think this would be an appropriate place--bagels and coffee and uniform square tables with four plastic-seated chairs pushed purposefully into the shape--but it's the only place it seems to happen. something about the aroma of coffee and the invitation to be here as long as you like makes it irresistable. its a cancer ward, "together" people filing in all smiles and fashion and $500 purses and shoes but we all fall apart the same after carefully choosing a seat in a comfortable corner. even the loners hunch against the wall with journals and laptops and gush emotion forth like a broken pipe. the world passes by outside the glass front oblivious to the trauma...and the healing within.

stumbling

tick tock watching
minutes drop
pages from a calendar ripped
off
stones causing ripples that will never be
doors that will never be
unlocked
again
mixing metaphors to say the hurt that
simmers behind
lips
a dish bitterly
a drink bitterly
sipped
even though its wrong
it cant be ripped from
uncertain fingertips

RETURN FROM AFRICA, episode 3

"Don't Forget..."

Laura,

the number one greatest phenomena that occurred in Africa: you forgot about yourself.

I sense that the memory of this is quickly passing from your mind of late. Who knew it would be so easy to let go of upon return to the States? Well, you're learning now. Let's bring it home to roost (as they say) once more. You were so afraid that you would be the same old self-aware YOU when you went to SA, weren't you? Your goal was to re-orient on the whole "IMAGE" issue...hopefully by the end of the summer, however pessimistic you were that it would happen. Understandable--being skeptical that something that had such a hold on you would be altered by even a life-changing experience like this trip.

And what did you discover? It wasn't a dream--say it out loud: YOU CHANGED. Within the first week, your attention to self dissipated and, vision unveiled, you SAW OTHERS. Time spent face-to-face with flesh and blood and the open, beating life of people replaced time spent before your reflection in disapproval. You not only spent less time in conscious thought about your body, you almost stopped thinking about it all together.

I think it's appropriate to assume that the lack of commercials and magazines--advertisements for idolatry of self more than the product being sold--were a part of this effect. You know that's not all, though. The fact is that when you held the concepts of weight and wardrobe into the light of the TRUTH about life's design, they shriveled so fast that they fell out of your hand, not waiting anymore for you to willingly let go.

It was not hard to see to Life's core in a place where people weren't certain where their next meal was coming from, only owned one pair of shoes, were involuntarily uneducated and probably unemployed; women barely in their 20's raising two kids alone; 15 year-olds becoming the head of their household in the blink of an eye; minimum wage barely cresting $250 a month and causing fathers to spend whole weeks away from the family they are trying to support. What perspective this affords! LAURA: In no way can life be about the clothes you wear, the furniture you own, the car you drive, the size house you have, the size pants you wear--for crying out loud, it can't be about that because most people in most countries in the world can't even afford to THINK about those things, much less let them direct and control their life path.

You know what is left, when all those lies are exposed: human life. The very image of God on earth, and you have a lifetime here to nurture it, share it, encourage it and in turn be shaped and encouraged by it. Each obsessive thought about image and reputation is a waste of the precious gift of time. Oh, you were so drawn into that vibrant way of living--existence orbiting around relationship (ah, I see your face is changing...you understand...it was so contagious and so desirable, it wasn't hard to leave the old habits behind). Well, good news: there's human life here in Greensboro, too....and anywhere else you could ever go, for that matter. You don't have to leave that perspective behind. After all, Truth is Truth no matter where you go or what choices you make.

I know it is hard not to return to seeing life through this convenient lens, but raise your eyes, Laura, look above! Let the Light of Heaven illuminate what comes before you and when that happens, and Truth stands out bold and smiling while Falsity shrinks back into shadow, choose to stand fast next to it, choose to live life each day standing FAST next to it.

"I NEED THEE EVERY HOUR, most Gracious Lord.
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.
I NEED THEE EVERY HOUR, in joy or pain.
Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.
I NEED THEE, O, I NEED THEE;
EVERY HOUR, I NEED THEE.
O, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to thee!"


Illumined,
Me